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Hi, here I'll practice in translaton of russian jokes in english. My task to make this in one time without looking in vocab.


One man came to the barbershop and said to hairdresser:
- Make me here longer, here shorter, here like zigzag, here, here and here let's will be calvity.
Master responded amazedly:
- I can't!
Man:
- Why? Last time you were able...

Dirty tipsy man in shop buy bottle of vodka and take odd money said:
- Heh, teacher's salary is so small...
Astonished saleslady cried:
- How, are you a teacher???
- Nope, but my wife is...

Man rides on important meeting, afraid to be late, can't find empty parking place and cried loudly to heaven:
- Merciful God, help me to find place for parking and I swear, I will stop drinking, smoking and fucking women and I will going to church every sunday!
Suddenly, he found free place and said:
- Wow, ok my God. Please don't care, I found it by myself.

Company owner said to his accountant:
- Look, you are working for me about ten consecutive years and never had asked for increasing of salary. What's wrong? Which spivvery you have here?

- Allo, good day. Can you connect me with your boss?
- He is very busy now.
- Ok, then connect me please with his secretary. I want to leave message for him.
- Let's call back later. I think she is busy too...

Older man came in HR department of new company for work advertisment. Having tests. HR manager said:
- Unfortunately, you don't suitable for us. We need young, ambitious people which be able grows creatively.
Man:
- Ok, all the same write down my phone. When you'll find out that all your employees grow creatively but work here is nobody - call me.

- I heard we'll have a big staff reduction in our company next week.
- Don't care about it. It won't affect us. Just he had quarreled with his wife and want to kick out all her relatives.

Chief called his secretary and said:
- Gather here  all girls. I want make photo with them.
- ???
- I should prove to my wife that here is just only freaks and be unfaithful impossible.

Boss make rebuke to his sectretary:
- Where is dust from my table? I wrote down some important telephone numbers there!

Boss on meeting with young and pretty contender on secretary vacancy:
- In your resume written, that you can print on the typewriter with speed 1000 signs per minute. Is it really so?
- Yes, - responded shy girl and add with some hesitation:
- But, such balderdash obtained...

Boss for your new secretary:
- You just now get to work and already be late constantly.
- On the other hand I get out earlier...

Boy find one coin on the street.
- Why wouldn't you donate it for the church? Said prist, who was passing near randomly.
- I thought about it father, but I came to conclusion that would be better to buy ice cream.
And to the coin, let's ice cream salesman donate it to you.
 

Mother teach her young daughter for life wisdom:
- Most important thing is selection of husband.
You should approach to this with mind. Let's see on your father. He is able to repair anything in home. Furniture, car, electricity etc.
- Daughter noded. 'cause she knew it very well.
So here, If you will find such husband for youself, you will have nothing new never.

One man dreamed to jump parachute all your life. And one day he decided.
His wife and son came to see for this event.
Man jumped. Relatives had waited for his landing and mother said to son:
- Son, go and look how your father feels himself. He breathes yet?
- Yes mom, but to breath near him impossible.

Mother ask her son:
- Why you sticked father's photo on your exercise book?
- My teacher said that she wants to see this fool who had helped me make homework.

- Uncle, thank you for such good gift - toy pipe.
- No matter. It cost just 60 cent.
- Ha, but mother and father pay me 10 dollars, for I was not play on pipe.

叔叔您好!
外甥你好。
谢谢你。你买过我长笛。现在我很快乐!
没关系。它的价格只有六元。
啊!但是,现在我每天得到着十元妈妈和爸爸。他们给如果我不玩。

- I heard that you seek new accountant?
- Yes, and old too...

----------------------------------------------------

两个生意人 谈话:
我听说你找新的会计。
是的。我也要找前者呢。

Meeting of new russians. Each of them take with a bodyguard of big size.
They begin brag by them.
- Look at mine, his weight is 150 kg of muscle.
- Stuff, my is a heavyweight champion in the boxing.
- It is shit, my boy is a MMA champion last season.
One from them have a small man.
- And you? What is that? It little, thin and looks as starveling. Even you are more bigger. Maybe he is a kung fu fighter?
- Or perhaps is a great sniper?
- No. Absolutely no.
- So why you take him?
- It is fourth of them. All killers thought, that boss is he...

In army barrack phone is ringing. Subaltern who was passing takes tube.
- Yes.
- Tell me, how many jeeps in your regiment?
- Two sir, but one from them broken and the other drives fat ass colonel Russell.
- What, really so fat?
- Yes, extremely. Such fat ass, that more fat difficult to imagine.
- Do you know who talk with you now?
- No sir.
- I am colonel Russell.
- And do you know who talk with you?
- No.
- So good bye fat ass Russell.

Two fishers met. One to another said: Yesterday I had catched gold fish. She say:
- Let me go and you may make a wish.
- I wish to have cumshot at the same time as my wife each time.
- And?
- In that time that I was fishing I had cumshot three times.

Bush came to Putin on fishing.
They have sitting on shore of river.
All ok but gnats begins to bite.
George suffered some time and asked:
- Vladimir, why gnats don't sting you?
- Me? Forbidden...

Once, comrade Stalin call airplane constructor Yakovlev and put him task to create new, best of the world interseptor in three month.
Yakovlev reforted him that americans spend on such work at least year and a half.
Stalin frankly astonised: whether you american?

One musician lost your job and took a new job of toilet cleaner of russian parliament (Duma). So as he liked music, he switch it there. When some significant politicians was coming to the toile,t he hear authentical music for him. All was satisfied. But once in that toilet came Gennady Zuganov. And our man sets "International" for him. Zuganov jumped out furious and promised to kick out musician from work.
On question "why?" he answered: "'cause I was forced to shit standing!"

Each mother earnestly hopes that her daughter must find for herself more worthy husband than was her father. But she is sure that her son never won't find such worthy wife for himself, which found his father.

Wife wake her husband:
- Dear wake up! Wake up!
- What is it???
- Look, you made crap in bed! Maybe you had a horrible dream?
- Yes, I saw terrible giant shark.
- Wow, I would be died of fright certainly.
- But I am MAN!

Hi guys, seems I was captured by aliens yesterday. I just remember some flasing lamp, many buttons and horrible moving up...
- Yeah, aliens... That were we, who were carrying you in lift after party.

Barmen said to his acquaintance. Such a pity... Yesterday died wonderful man. My best client. Everyday he drank at least thirty cups of beer and two litres of whisky in my bar.
- Why did he die?
- I have no idea.

------------------------------------------------

酒保对常客说:
可惜。他是我的最好的客户。每天他在我的酒吧来过。每天他在这里喝过两个升酒。
常客问:他死了为什么?
酒保回答了:不知道。

Drinking bad. Many good people die from behind drinking. Drinking'y - fight!

Absolute sobriety is not the best kind of lifestyle. Moderate drinking! Here is the solution!  :bm: :bm: :bm:

If we would accept that one ant cant lift a ten time more that his own weight, so we could suppose that fifty gram of ants is possible to send to bring beer.

Two drunk fellows stand at the roadside and try to pee.
One said to an other:
- Friend, help me.
- What? How?
- I can't to find my dick.
Other tried to help him. But he reached into to the pocket instead of pants and take from there cucumber.
- Wow, It seems I tore off it.
- That's why I sense that blood going down the legs...

One alcoholic man went to sleep. He dreamed that he died and asked to St. Peter for yet one life.
- Ok said St. Peter, I can give you yet another chance, but now you will be a hen.
- Do nothing, man agreed and became a hen.
Life of hen was pretty good. He walked on the yard, pecked grain and enjoyed by life.
Suddenly he felt something strange. He was going to coop and laid an egg.
He thought:
- What a pleasant feeling... And made that one more time.
Bump, he awaked  from kick of his wife who cried:
- What do you do scoundrel ?!?! You crapped the entire bed!!!

One hardly drunk man rides in the bus.
Suddenly he vomited on closest woman. She entirely in vomit, cried:
- You are a dirty pig!
Man did not lose his and said:
- Look at youself.


一个喝醉的人坐公共汽车。
他不料呕吐了在临近的女人上。
她喊了:你是肮脏的猪!
人回答。看看你自己吧!

She said to him:
- Why if one man has a many women, then he is a macho, but if woman has a many men, then she is a whore?
He answered:
- You know, if one key open many locks, then it is a very good key! But if the lock is  possible to open by any key, then it is definitely bad lock.

Waiter brings plate with soup for client.
- Why you hold your finger in soup?
- It suppurates, doctor said that need to hold it in warm.
- So push it in ass!
- I do so, when I have no orders.

服务员带来了板汤给客户。
客户说了:你为什么保持手指在汤里?
服务员说了:我的手指溃烂,医生对我说保持手指在热里。
客户说了:所以插入手指在屁股!
服务员说:我做到从而当没有客户。

One man came to the toilet and began to do his deal.
Suddenly he heard from nearby cabin:
- Hello.
- Hello. He answered.
- How do you do?
- All right. No problem. And you?
- Ok, let I'll call back to you later. Here someone idiot talks to me.

Inscription on the wall in public toilet:
"Remember, onanism stops growth".
Above, on height of two and half meter written:
"It's not true!"

Scientists asserts, that human's organism grows only to twenty five years.
But stomach and ass, definitely don't know about it.

- What is the loud hubbub outside?
- It's a vagabonds' strike.
- What do they want?
- They protest against development of new technologies.
- Why would they?
- 'Cause it is impossible to live in boxes from new TVsets.

Commander of submarine talks with his colleague.
- Sometimes we in navigation to several monthes and sailors without women masturbates in each corner.  And entire vessel spattered of sperm.
- So, give them jars and promise to give prize for biggest amount.
- Where I'll take money for prize?
- Hand over, I heard it is a valuable stuff.
He did so. Vessel was clean but tank with jellied sperm he couldn't hand over nowhere except candle factory.
Upon next arrival police met him and ask:
- Did you made supply of raw material for candles?
- Yes. What's wrong?
- Unclear situation. Can't understand why all nuns pregnant...

- Gentleman, could you want to warm lady, in that gloomy and chilly evening?
- No problem. Waiter! Two glasses of whiskey.

Talking after safari:
- When I met lion he didn't touch me 'cause thought that I am elephant.
- How so?
- I made the same pile. Even bigger.

Grandmother and grandfather was very liked to play in hide-and-seek.
At morning grandmother was hiding hooch. And if grandfather was finding it, then at evening grandma was hiding in her own person.

In waiting of guests Moysha warns his wife:
- Put on the table festive dinner service but don't put the our silver spoons.
- Do you really think that they can to steal it?
- No, but they can recognize them!

Lady to his new cavalier:
- How pleasant evening. Maybe we'll go to me for drink coffee?
- I don't know. Coffee for night is not so suited...
- Please, I had not coffee already a half year...

If you came back home and there see that fat is clean, children do homework, wife cooks, mother-in-law knits crochet and dog asleep quietly on its place. It means that they broke your computer.

In court. Judge said:
- Tell me, - appeal to victim, - You had not some suspicion, when accused offered to take a walk at the dark alley?
- As had not? Certainly had. But I couldn't imagine that he just grabs my bag and run away.

Wife said to her husband when he came back from work:
- Dear, I was a shopping today and was not enough money. Then I came to your work and took 300 $ in pocket of your coat.
- No problem Honey. I already about two week work in another place.

Dear, did you buy already gift for the 8 of march?
- Of course Honey!
- O! How do you think? I'd like it?
- So, if you not then give it me, I long ago dreamed about such spinning.

Wife to husband:
-Look here, do you see this human on the photo?
- Yes.
- At 6 o'clock you must take him from the kindergarten.

Drunk man came home late.
Wife meet him with rolling-pin in her hand.
He embraces her and say:
- So you still cooking, my wifey.

Met three girlfriend. One said:
- I made blow job to my husband yesterday. So he has such a cold eggs... Strangely.
- I too made blow job my husband and he has cold eggs also. Very curiously.
On next day they meet third's of them who has shiner on eye.
- What's up??? They asked.
- So I began to make blowjob to my husband and say him: "Why all men has a cold eggs but you have a warm?"

Husband came home. Wife met him with poster: "I don't talk with you!"
He shrugged his shoulders and sat to watch TV.
in five minute she appears in front of him with poster: "And do you know why?"

————————————————————————————————————————

丈夫回家。妻迎接呢他。
妻子显示他题词。
“我不想说话跟你”。
他耸耸肩去了看电视默默的。
妻子等了然后显示新题词。
“你知道为什么?”

Newlywed daughter calls to her mother:
- Mom, we had a such horrible scandal today.
- Don't worry. Anybody had it. It happens...
- I know, I know, but what to do with corpse?

Wife speak to his husband:
-Go and water the flowers on the yard.
- But there rain now!
- So what? Take a parasol.

___________________________________

妻对夫说:别坐。去把浇灌花园!
夫说:有雨呢。
妻说:还等什么?取吧雨伞!

- I dream to earn 10 000 $ per week like my father.
- Your father really earns 10 000 $ ?
- No, but he dreams too.

La-Mansh, evening. Very racy english fisher sit on shore. As it should be he had moustache, pipe and bowler hat.
- Suddenly fish bite.
Fisher pulls up, grabs and take a very racy mermaid with big appetizing tits.
- Fisher took her, examined from all sides and throwed her back on the sea.
Vexed mermaid floats up and said:
- Why?
Fisher:
- But how?

Visitor to waiter:
- You are such a stupid that won't be able serve even pig!
- But I try sir.

In gate of paradise near reception of St. Peter two man stand in the queue.
One from them is a priest other is a taxi driver.
When queue came to them St. Peter said to prist who wanted to come first.
- No no Father, taxi driver will be first.
- But why? I am a priest. I prayed all my life.
- Yes, it is true. But when you prayed, people was asleep. But when taxi driver was carrying his passengers they really prayed earnestly.

Talk in gentleman's club in London.
- Gentlemen, Do you know why Sherlock Holmes never was married?
- No.
- That's elementarily!
-Watson???!!!

Man went to pab and asked one glass of beer.
Barman said:
- Two dollars.
- But always was one dollar!
- Now yet one for democracy development.
- Ok. For democracy do not feel sorry.
He gives to barmen two dollars and gets one dollar back.
- ???
- Don't have a beer...

Man goes across dark streets of Belfast late at night. Suddenly he feels that something cold touch him on the temple. Formidable voice behind asked:
- You are catholic or protestant?
Man understand with fear the seriousness of situation. If he'll say catholic and this terrorist may be turn up loyalist. If said protestant - all may be conversely.
Anyway he is lost.
- So... I am actually is a jew, he said.
- Wow! It means that I am most lucky palestinian in Ireland!

Funeral of old jew. He bequeathed to put 10000$ in his coffin. Relatives pushes packs with money to the coffin. Old rabbi cried:
- Jews, what do you do?
- Perform of will of a dead.
- So, I say! What do you do? Write him a check!

...

One russian have been in England. And came back a very rich man.
relatives ask him how it is happened.
- When I came I first went to casino and sat to play cards. When we had played one englishman said:
- Blackjack!
I say:
- Show the cards.
He answered:
- We are gentelmens, we takes on trust.
- So, from this moment my luck found me...

One scotsman said to another who got married recently:
- Why you separately on this wedding photo?
- 'Cause when we will divorce we'll be able cut photo and take own part.

Jewish mother cries to her son:
- Abram! Don't beat Isaiah so hard. You can sweat and catch a cold.

Very fat men meets on the street extremely thin man.
Fat man said to him:
- If would look at you, seems that food exist not on the earth.
Thin answered:
- If would look at you, that's clear why.

- Allo.
- Allo, can I ask John to a phone?
- He is not at home. What convey to him?
- Convey him 100 $.

Man came to psychiatrist for insistence of relatives for reason that he likes cotton socks more than synthetic ones.
Doctor listened and answered:
-  So what? I too like cotton socks more.
- Really? How do you eat them? With salt or pepper?

Thief came to the church for absolution and  by force of habit stole watch of pastor.
Pastor said:
- Which sin have in your heart?
- I stole a watch from a good man, but I could give it to you.
- No, you must give back to owner.
- But he don't want it.
- If it is, leave it for youself and don't worry.

Judge to defendant:
- Why you killed your wife but not her lover?
- I decided would be better to kill her one time, than every week kill new lover.

Boys of 3-A class write message to girls of 3-B class:
"Today evening come to park for kisses".
Answer was:
"If only for this write better to girls of 1-A class".

Two boys was in bathhouse and saw there man with big stomach.
First boy asked a man: - What is it in your stomach?
Man: - It is a bomb!
First boy to second: - Let's blow it!
Second boy: - Dangerous, very short wick.

Night. Absolutely nude woman stops taxi, throw herself on back seat and say:
- In Jersey.
Taxi driver don't moves and dazedly looks at her.
- What do you watch? Did not see nude woman?
- I saw, but I think, from where you will pull out a money?

Military inspector dressed like civilian went to the fencing on military stock and asked sentry:
- Hello son, what do you guard here?
- Different weapons... machine guns, hand guns, grenade-guns...
- So why do you tell me about it? I might be foreign spy!
Gun shot.
- Wow! What an asshole...

Children, best thing of the world that you can do it is a save a somebody's life.
- What do you want to say Johnny?
- Yesterday I saved human life!
- Exellent Johnny! How to you do that?
- I substituted contraceptives of my sister on laxative.

Man calls to broadcast:
- Hello everybody. Yesterday I found wallet on street. There was 5000 $, lot of cards and driver's license on name of Tom Monroe.
Broadcaster said:
- And you perhaps want to make advert for him to give back his wallet?
What a honorable action!
- No, no, I want you to play for him a good song.

Doctor asks his patient:
- How it is happened that your jaw was broken at once in several places?
- It is accident on the production. You know, I work an excavator's driver and on friday I saw opened hatch on the road. I thought that somebody might fall there on holydays. Then I covered hatch by excavator's bucket and went home. When I came to work on monday and opened hatch three plumbers came out of there...

Grandfather and grandson sit on the shore of black river.
- Tell me grandpa, Is it true that earlier here was a military polygon?
- Yes my boy. And stroked him upon head.
- And is it true that here was explosion of nuclear bomb?
- Yes my boy. Said grandfather and stroke him upon second head.

One rural neighbour asks another:
- What did you celebrate yesterday? Was such a incendiary dances.
- No, no, it is papa upend beehive.

Why when feet sweat it has a bad smell, but hands has not?
- Remember from where feet grow and from where hands.

Advertisement:
Wanted sisters twins with big difference of weight for work in commercials of new method for slimming.

Two sharks are talking:
- You know, I won't eat aqualungers. Heartburn from them.
- You need to peel them!

Funeral rules:
1. Don't wear white.
2. Don't wear slinky.
3. Don't dance.

In one city lived one very spiteful boy which was remember only evil.
And once therefor somebody struck him upon head by cudgel.
From that time he remembers only goodness. Just no so good...

Two men stand on bus station. One sneezed. Second said:
- Bless you!
- Thank you so much!
- It's my pleasure. Be healthy!
- You too!
- I wish you to live many years in happiness.
- Do you kidding with me?
- Don't try to be clever.
- Kiss my ass!
- Fuck You!

- Why you have a shiner on eyes?
- Yesterday I looked in gap in fencing, and someone poked me by finger in the eye.
- And why on both eyes?
- I wanted to see who is it!

Men always guided two principles.
1. Why say if all clear?
2. What do say, if nothing is clear?

Once, one man was accidentally announced dead in company where he was working. It was just mistake. Colleague and friends honored his memory and continued to work.
When he came back from vacation he knew about it with wonder. And calls to his friend:
- John, just imagine. All thought that I am dead, what a ridiculous story!
- A-a-a... So, you actually... From where you calling?

What difference between praying on the church and casino?
In casino it is sincere...

My chief gave a dressing down for nothing.
Rest of the day I was forced to harm and muck all around for establish of justice.

Mademoiselle, you are such enchanting in this toilet...
- Close the door!!!

Exist people which have a God inside.
Exist people which have a devil inside.
And also, exist people which have inside only intestinal worms.

Yes, you are right. They understand not all. Moreover, I think I yet additionally make their less comprehensible by my not so good translation.
I posted some jokes in my facebook. I wanted to check reaction of foreign people. Nevertheless several ones was very fun for them. Though a little unusual.

So can you explain, why you, men are gifting flowers for women so seldom?
So...you, women don't gift beer for us at all.

Redactor to beginner poet:
- Did you declaim this your verses to somebody earlier?
- No, I didn't. Why you asked?
- Nothing, nothing, just I see a shiner on your eye.

Very clever and providently to read newspapers sitting on toilet bowl.
- Why?
- You always ready to any surprise.

In Northern Ireland, catholic nun asks children in the sunday school:
- Children, who you want to be when you will grow?
Little Jenny said:
- Prostitute!
- What do you say?!?!?!?!?
- Prostitute.
- Fuf, I was heard a protestant...

- So what Hanson? Do you satisfied by your new dog?
- Yes quite. Every morning It brings to me fresh newspapers.
- It is no wonder, a lot of them can do it.
- But I have not any subscribing.

Notoriously that human can look infinitely on the burning fire, flowing water and working people.
Perfect option is a house fire.

Greenpeace activists so furiously protests against fur, but not against leather, because more interesting to annoy richest ladies, than biker's gangs.

Pastor repairs fencing of his house. He nails trims by hammer and whistle song.
Beside little boy stands and looks at him very attentively.
Pastor said:
- I see you want to be a carpenter certainly?
- No, I want to hear what say pastor when he will struck a finger by the hammer.

Man came in zoo shop to buy some mouses for his python.
He was going pass cell with parrot and suddenly parrot cries:
- Fly was open!
Man blushed and try to hook up a fly.
- Hole in pants on the ass!
Man spasmodically tries to hide ass.
- Shoelace untied!
Muzzy man rushes to tie it.
- You farted! Old ass!
Man finally ashamed, sharply rushes on street and runs away, accompanied by heartrending laughter of the shop's visitors.
Mouses from down cell cried: We owe you again Charlie!

Inscription on wall in front of the lift.
Push upper button if you want to go up.
Push lower button if you want to go down.
Push both buttons at the same time if you want to heard assess of your intellect.

- Hello Alexander, You don't mind that I will call you just Alex?
- No problem if you wish. But really I am a Boris...

Two pastors are establishing poster on the road with such inscription:
"Be careful, end already close! Stop as yet not too late!"
Big track rides past them and driver cries from the window:
- Be damned fucking sectarians!!! Kiss my ass!!!
Machine hides behind turn and from there is heard sound of fall into the water.
One priest said to another:
- Maybe we would write just "Bridge is broken"?

Owners of dogs sit on the bench and talk:
- My dog's name is a Cork.
- Why so?
- How many times I was throwing him in water, but this rascal always be dry from there.
- And my dog's name is Bumerang.
- ???
- How many times I was carrying him away, but he was each time coming back.
- But my dog's name is Jordano Bruno.
- What??? You are a sadist!
- Why? Just he likes to look on stars...

Two girls talking over a cup of coffee.
- I adore nature.
- And it is after all that it made with you?

Chief said to his assistant:
- Call up my car.
Assistant to secretary:
- Call for garage, chief wants go.
Secretary for dispatcher:
- Cart to the entrance.
Dispatcher to driver:
- Bring the wain for old baboon.

In cafe on the table man said to woman:
- Sorry, but on the dating site I saw you differently...
- Just drink yet a little.

Angry conductor of orchestra cries to his musicians:
- You are a botchers!
He approached to violinist.
- For example you! If musician can't to play then he gets a two sticks and plays on the drums!
Drummer whispers to neigbour:
- If he cannot to play on drums he gets one stick and becomes a conductor.

Circus, entertainer announces:
- Now, incredible gymnasts will perform for you!
Cry from hall:
- Buggers! Gays! Pederasts! In tights, eggs sticks out!
Act ended and entertainer continues:
- And now, we will see our the most funny clowns!
Again cry from hall:
- Gays! Buggers with painted lips pederasts!
Act ended and entertainer said:
- And now, Death Defying Acts! Firstly! Unbelievable! Jump from the circus dome without belay!
Cry from hall:
- Pederasts! Buggers! Where you dragging me?

If today third day in a row already you don't want to work it means that it is wednesday.

Young woman said to man in the bus:
- I am a pregnant, can you give place to me?
Man attentively looked on girl's stomach, hadn't saw any signs and said:
- How much time you are a pregnant already?
- Already thirty minutes but I am so tired...

Phone call at deep night late.
Sleepy man takes tube:
- Yeah?
- You are asshole!
- Who do that say?
- So... All say that!

Girl brought her boyfriend at her room when parents was asleep. They drank some beer and began to engage. In most responsible moment beer wanted to exit and guy asked:
- I wanna in toilet. Where is it?
- On first floor. Parents can heard. In front of is a washstand. Go there, just quiet.
Guy vanished in darkness. Through some minutes he appeared and whispered:
- And have you a toilet paper?

In subway guy stands very tightly to girl. People coming and crowd become yet more tight.
Girl begins to complain:
- No. It is already intolerably. Move over from me.
- Sorry miss, but it is not that you thought. It is my wage in the pocket, just it is rolled in a tube.
Such way they ride yet some stations. And girl finally annoyed cryed:
- Just don't say that after last station you had a salary increase!

- Allo, what do you do?
- I am escaping from excess weight.
- A-a, in the gym?
- No, in the toilet.

In public toilet two pilgarlics are suffering from constipation. Is heard a strained groans. Suddenly is heard sound of gurgle.
- Congratulate you!
- Nothing for... It was mobile phone...

Little boy calls to the 911.
- Allo! It is a rescue? We have a stuck people in the lift! Man and woman. Be quick! Judging by groans, woman is seriously wounded!

In crowded bus woman said to neighbour:
- Mister, why you huddle to me? Do you want something?
- No, I am not.
- So get away of me. Maybe others will want.

Woman's breast it is like toy train.
It like for children, but plays mostly dad.

On vegetable market women in queue choose cucumbers:
First: - Give me those ones, more thick, but short.
Second: - And for me give better more thin but long.
Third: - And me no matter. It for salad.

The bus goes from station. One elderly man was late and runs behind bus with cries to wait him. People in bus ask driver to stop and take him. Driver stops. Man came into the bus, and from road's dust he suddenly sneezed and from unexpectedly farted loudly. Smell spreads in bus. Man in shyness jumps away from bus.
Voice from backseats:
- And we waited him for that?

What is common between girl and chess grandmaster?
They both knew, that less to have figure. Need to know how to move it.

Two old maid sit on bench and look with pursed lips how cock pursues hen. Their faces express utter disgust. Meanwhile hen runs across road and gets under the car.
One of them said with pathos:
- She choosed death!

Two stupid counterfeiters has printed banknotes of 13 dollar rate. They understood that is happened very foolish and debated what to do with that.
Senior said:
- Go to find a fool to exchange on right ones.
Through some time junior came back and with joy cried:
- I exchanged them! Nominal 6 and 7.

How about to meet tomorrow?
- Sorry, I'll go to stag party tomorrow.
- What? There always crowd of whores.
- No no no, it is stag party, There don't take girls.
- Do you think that I am never was on stag party?

Call to the fire station:
- Hullo! This is fire station? Come quickly, we have a fire here!
- How to drive to you?
- What it means how? On the big red vehicle certainly.

What is that a shiner on your eye?
- That's my friend came back from wedding travel tomorrow.
- So what?
- It is I convinced him to get married.

Wife to husband:
- How to understand this? In your phone one new number has written as Frank, but when I called there, tube was took by some woman. And I asked you! How to understand this!
- Very simply, there is such a idiot like you, who took tube for checking, who is it a new number, which called Jack.

One man to another:
- I don't know why woman spend so many money. After all they don't drink, don't play cards and don't contain a women.

She to him:
- Darling, I think we don't understand each other at all.
- What do you mean Honey?

Earlier, I was lonely and all my things was strewn hit and miss on their places.
Now I have a woman and all my things lays accurately and orderly nobody knows where.

Guy with girl in cinema. Guy said:
- Why you so insensible? We sit here already a hour. Though put your head on my shoulder.
- ??? I made blowjob for you five minutes ago!
- For me???

Respect your relatives - don't die on friday.

It is a awkward moment when you run, your tits jumping...
But you are a guy...

Very awkward moment when you mix up pregnant lady with fat lady, especially if that turns that it is a guy...

Black woman came to gynecologist, sits in the chair and moves apart her legs.
Gynecologist looks there some time and exclaims loudly:
- Exellent! Decided!
- Do you decided what, doctor?
- To buy black Porshe Cayenne with red leather salon!

On the slippery porch, quantity of bred people sharply decreasing.

Scars are decorating men. Wash your cat everyday and become sex symbol of district.

My husband wanted to get a mistress, but I discourage him. Very expensive, we can't afford it. Better I will take lover, extra penny never be excessive in the household.

In this world haven't perpetual mobile, however exist perpetual brakes.

Teacher said to his pupils to make essay about "What would I'd like to do, if would I have got a million dollars?"
One pupil was writting and counting for a long time and finally asks teacher: "Could you add a hundred fourty one thousand  three hundred fifty eight dollars?"

Teacher of history asks pupils a stern voice:
- Who took Bastille?
Silence in the class.
- Jonny, who took the Bastille?
- I don't know. I didn't take it.
Angry teacher cried loudly:
- Jeffrey, WHO TOOK THE BASTILLE!
- I didn't take it! I don't know! Maybe it is someone from B-class?
Furiously angry teacher cried on the whole school:
- Somebody knows WHO TOOK BASTILLE?!?!
In this moment director of school, alarmed of noise is coming to the classroom and saw the exhausted teacher almost without senses quickly said:
- Children! Who from you took it? Give back immediately!

Johnny came home from school and said to his dad:
- Dad, teacher said that you must come to him tomorrow.
- What did you do?
- I blew my school table on the chemical lesson.
Next day:
- Dad, teacher said that you have to come tomorrow.
- What did you mess things up?
- I blew my classroom on the chemical lesson. Accidentally.
Next day:
- Dad...
- What's up again??? I won't go school more!
- It is right, what to do there on the ruins...?

In the school in Mexico:
- Huan, why you study english so bad?
- But what for?
- What for? Half of the world talk on english!
- And it's not that enough?

Chinese lesson in the english school:
Teacher:
- Jenny, 你会说中文吗?(Do you speak chinese?)
Jenny:
- What?
Teacher:
- Bad, sit down. Jimmy, 你会说中文吗?(Do you speak chinese?)
Jimmy:
- What?
Teacher:
- Bad, sit down. Jonny. 你会说中文吗?(Do you speak chinese?)
Jonny.
- 会。没问题。我会说普通话这么好,如果我想,我可能成为一名老师。
Teacher:
- What!?!?

On the biology lesson teacher asked:
- Children, answer me, how earthworms is reproducing?
- By dividing.
- How exacter?
- By shovel.

Germany school. Teacher asks pupils:
- Where is Africa?
One pupil said:
- I don't know exactly but seems not so far.
- How do you identify this?
- In my father's pub works one black man.
- And?
- He comes by bicycle everyday.

Since I became pay for good grades to my son, he began bring them everyday. What do you think about?
- Seems he shares income with teachers.

Teacher reviles pupil. He answers:
- Maybe soon I grow up and become president. Then you'll regret that you are giving me low grades.
- Don't dream, Putin.

In the questionnaire on the question: "what you will do after school" almost half of all pupils written: "If I'll have luck, then nothing".

On the chemical lesson in the school teacher asks pupils:
- Jimmy, which color of your solution do you have got?
- Ok. Good. 5, sit down please.
- Jenny, which color of solution do you have got?
- Brown.
- Ok, but not so good. 4, sit down.
- Jonny, which color have you got?
- Green.
- ??? Johnny, 2, sit down. Class get down quickly!!!

Man walks across forest and see old woman with rifle.
"Why do you have a rifle?" - Asked he.
"How do I know, maybe you want to rape me".
"God save! How could you think about that? Of course not!"
"But will have to..." said woman recharging rifle.

Someone calls to sex by phone. Woman's hot voice answered:
- Hello, I am ready to perform all your dreams...
- Hi, it is me. When you'll go home, don't forget buy bread.

Cop stopped a car for reason of excessive speed and see inside his former teacher.
- Well, mister Jefferson, - said he. 
- Now take a pencil and write down two hundred times phrase:
"I'll never break the speed limit".

Once, teacher in the school put the task to write essay on theme: "What would I do if I become a president".
Next day all pupils brought it.
All of them was finished by words: "... and after all of that, you'll never find me".

Real success depends from two things: honesty and decency. If you don't have them - success is provided.

Jonny, catch axe!
What does means that your "He.."?
Did you catch it or not?

The teacher asked children:
- Who are your parents?
Jimmy said:
- My father is a traffic policeman, and we have a lot of money.
Jenny said:
- My mother is a prostitute, and we also have a lot of money.
Jonny said:
- My father is a truckdriver, and we would have got a lot of money if would not exist traffic police and prostitutes.

Teacher of music said to his naughty pupil:
- If you won't calm down I'll tell your mother that you have a talent.

Little girl go along corridor with big globe of world under the arm.
Teacher asked her:
- Where do you go with this big globe, maybe in the class of geography?
- No, in the toilet. My mood so bad, that I want to crap whole world!

The father said to son:
- When Abraham Lincoln was your age, everyday, he walked 19 kilometers on foot.
- When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president.

Young art teacher drew apple on the board.
- Children, - said she.
- What is that?
Pupils chorus:
- Ass!
- What? What do you afford? Unbelievable! I call to director!
Angry director runs into the class, looks on the board and cried:
- Who from you drew ass on the board?!?!

Somebody calls to the broadcast:
- Hello! Is it a Morning Talk Radio?
- Yes, do you want to tell us story?
- Yes, yesterday I found a wallet on the road. There were different cards and driver's license of Jim Williams and 5000 $.
- Wow, so genteel, that you want to make advertisement to find him and give back the money and wallet?
- No, I want to order good song for him!

Hello John. How your young wife?
- Everyday, she visited all bars, pubs and striptiz-clubs.
- What? So young lady!? What does she do there?
- She seeks for me.

Knight came to the King and brought something in poke:
- Ok, your magesty, here it is head of Dragon.
King said.
- Ok, here it is hand of princess...

A  young  car  salesman  sat  down  in  the  office  of the
transport manager of a large firm.
“You’re  very  lucky,  young  man,”  said  the  transport
manager “I have refused to see six salesmen today”.
“Yes, I know,” said the salesman, “I’m them”.

I have not been here for almost a year!