Jokes

[mirock]

Hi, here I'll practice in translaton of russian jokes in english. My task to make this in one time without looking in vocab.


One man came to the barbershop and said to hairdresser:
- Make me here longer, here shorter, here like zigzag, here, here and here let's will be calvity.
Master responded amazedly:
- I can't!
Man:
- Why? Last time you were able...

[mirock]

Dirty tipsy man in shop buy bottle of vodka and take odd money said:
- Heh, teacher's salary is so small...
Astonished saleslady cried:
- How, are you a teacher???
- Nope, but my wife is...

[mirock]

Man rides on important meeting, afraid to be late, can't find empty parking place and cried loudly to heaven:
- Merciful God, help me to find place for parking and I swear, I will stop drinking, smoking and fucking women and I will going to church every sunday!
Suddenly, he found free place and said:
- Wow, ok my God. Please don't care, I found it by myself.

[mirock]

Company owner said to his accountant:
- Look, you are working for me about ten consecutive years and never had asked for increasing of salary. What's wrong? Which spivvery you have here?

[mirock]

- Allo, good day. Can you connect me with your boss?
- He is very busy now.
- Ok, then connect me please with his secretary. I want to leave message for him.
- Let's call back later. I think she is busy too...

[mirock]

Older man came in HR department of new company for work advertisment. Having tests. HR manager said:
- Unfortunately, you don't suitable for us. We need young, ambitious people which be able grows creatively.
Man:
- Ok, all the same write down my phone. When you'll find out that all your employees grow creatively but work here is nobody - call me.

[mirock]

- I heard we'll have a big staff reduction in our company next week.
- Don't care about it. It won't affect us. Just he had quarreled with his wife and want to kick out all her relatives.

[mirock]

Chief called his secretary and said:
- Gather here  all girls. I want make photo with them.
- ???
- I should prove to my wife that here is just only freaks and be unfaithful impossible.

[mirock]

Boss make rebuke to his sectretary:
- Where is dust from my table? I wrote down some important telephone numbers there!

[mirock]

Boss on meeting with young and pretty contender on secretary vacancy:
- In your resume written, that you can print on the typewriter with speed 1000 signs per minute. Is it really so?
- Yes, - responded shy girl and add with some hesitation:
- But, such balderdash obtained...

[mirock]

Boss for your new secretary:
- You just now get to work and already be late constantly.
- On the other hand I get out earlier...

[mirock]

Boy find one coin on the street.
- Why wouldn't you donate it for the church? Said prist, who was passing near randomly.
- I thought about it father, but I came to conclusion that would be better to buy ice cream.
And to the coin, let's ice cream salesman donate it to you.
 

[mirock]

Mother teach her young daughter for life wisdom:
- Most important thing is selection of husband.
You should approach to this with mind. Let's see on your father. He is able to repair anything in home. Furniture, car, electricity etc.
- Daughter noded. 'cause she knew it very well.
So here, If you will find such husband for youself, you will have nothing new never.

[mirock]

One man dreamed to jump parachute all your life. And one day he decided.
His wife and son came to see for this event.
Man jumped. Relatives had waited for his landing and mother said to son:
- Son, go and look how your father feels himself. He breathes yet?
- Yes mom, but to breath near him impossible.

[mirock]

Mother ask her son:
- Why you sticked father's photo on your exercise book?
- My teacher said that she wants to see this fool who had helped me make homework.

[mirock]

- Uncle, thank you for such good gift - toy pipe.
- No matter. It cost just 60 cent.
- Ha, but mother and father pay me 10 dollars, for I was not play on pipe.

叔叔您好!
外甥你好。
谢谢你。你买过我长笛。现在我很快乐!
没关系。它的价格只有六元。
啊!但是,现在我每天得到着十元妈妈和爸爸。他们给如果我不玩。

[mirock]

- I heard that you seek new accountant?
- Yes, and old too...

----------------------------------------------------

两个生意人 谈话:
我听说你找新的会计。
是的。我也要找前者呢。

[mirock]

Meeting of new russians. Each of them take with a bodyguard of big size.
They begin brag by them.
- Look at mine, his weight is 150 kg of muscle.
- Stuff, my is a heavyweight champion in the boxing.
- It is shit, my boy is a MMA champion last season.
One from them have a small man.
- And you? What is that? It little, thin and looks as starveling. Even you are more bigger. Maybe he is a kung fu fighter?
- Or perhaps is a great sniper?
- No. Absolutely no.
- So why you take him?
- It is fourth of them. All killers thought, that boss is he...

[mirock]

In army barrack phone is ringing. Subaltern who was passing takes tube.
- Yes.
- Tell me, how many jeeps in your regiment?
- Two sir, but one from them broken and the other drives fat ass colonel Russell.
- What, really so fat?
- Yes, extremely. Such fat ass, that more fat difficult to imagine.
- Do you know who talk with you now?
- No sir.
- I am colonel Russell.
- And do you know who talk with you?
- No.
- So good bye fat ass Russell.

[mirock]

Two fishers met. One to another said: Yesterday I had catched gold fish. She say:
- Let me go and you may make a wish.
- I wish to have cumshot at the same time as my wife each time.
- And?
- In that time that I was fishing I had cumshot three times.