Jokes

[mirock]

Bush came to Putin on fishing.
They have sitting on shore of river.
All ok but gnats begins to bite.
George suffered some time and asked:
- Vladimir, why gnats don't sting you?
- Me? Forbidden...

[mirock]

Once, comrade Stalin call airplane constructor Yakovlev and put him task to create new, best of the world interseptor in three month.
Yakovlev reforted him that americans spend on such work at least year and a half.
Stalin frankly astonised: whether you american?

[mirock]

One musician lost your job and took a new job of toilet cleaner of russian parliament (Duma). So as he liked music, he switch it there. When some significant politicians was coming to the toile,t he hear authentical music for him. All was satisfied. But once in that toilet came Gennady Zuganov. And our man sets "International" for him. Zuganov jumped out furious and promised to kick out musician from work.
On question "why?" he answered: "'cause I was forced to shit standing!"

[mirock]

Each mother earnestly hopes that her daughter must find for herself more worthy husband than was her father. But she is sure that her son never won't find such worthy wife for himself, which found his father.

[mirock]

Wife wake her husband:
- Dear wake up! Wake up!
- What is it???
- Look, you made crap in bed! Maybe you had a horrible dream?
- Yes, I saw terrible giant shark.
- Wow, I would be died of fright certainly.
- But I am MAN!

[mirock]

Hi guys, seems I was captured by aliens yesterday. I just remember some flasing lamp, many buttons and horrible moving up...
- Yeah, aliens... That were we, who were carrying you in lift after party.

[mirock]

Barmen said to his acquaintance. Such a pity... Yesterday died wonderful man. My best client. Everyday he drank at least thirty cups of beer and two litres of whisky in my bar.
- Why did he die?
- I have no idea.

------------------------------------------------

酒保对常客说:
可惜。他是我的最好的客户。每天他在我的酒吧来过。每天他在这里喝过两个升酒。
常客问:他死了为什么?
酒保回答了:不知道。

[a.k.a.gibsonmpgu]

Drinking bad. Many good people die from behind drinking. Drinking'y - fight!

[mirock]

Drinking bad. Many good people die from behind drinking. Drinking'y - fight!

Absolute sobriety is not the best kind of lifestyle. Moderate drinking! Here is the solution!  

[mirock]

If we would accept that one ant cant lift a ten time more that his own weight, so we could suppose that fifty gram of ants is possible to send to bring beer.

[mirock]

Two drunk fellows stand at the roadside and try to pee.
One said to an other:
- Friend, help me.
- What? How?
- I can't to find my dick.
Other tried to help him. But he reached into to the pocket instead of pants and take from there cucumber.
- Wow, It seems I tore off it.
- That's why I sense that blood going down the legs...

[mirock]

One alcoholic man went to sleep. He dreamed that he died and asked to St. Peter for yet one life.
- Ok said St. Peter, I can give you yet another chance, but now you will be a hen.
- Do nothing, man agreed and became a hen.
Life of hen was pretty good. He walked on the yard, pecked grain and enjoyed by life.
Suddenly he felt something strange. He was going to coop and laid an egg.
He thought:
- What a pleasant feeling... And made that one more time.
Bump, he awaked  from kick of his wife who cried:
- What do you do scoundrel ?!?! You crapped the entire bed!!!

[mirock]

One hardly drunk man rides in the bus.
Suddenly he vomited on closest woman. She entirely in vomit, cried:
- You are a dirty pig!
Man did not lose his and said:
- Look at youself.


一个喝醉的人坐公共汽车。
他不料呕吐了在临近的女人上。
她喊了:你是肮脏的猪!
人回答。看看你自己吧!

[mirock]

She said to him:
- Why if one man has a many women, then he is a macho, but if woman has a many men, then she is a whore?
He answered:
- You know, if one key open many locks, then it is a very good key! But if the lock is  possible to open by any key, then it is definitely bad lock.

[mirock]

Waiter brings plate with soup for client.
- Why you hold your finger in soup?
- It suppurates, doctor said that need to hold it in warm.
- So push it in ass!
- I do so, when I have no orders.

服务员带来了板汤给客户。
客户说了:你为什么保持手指在汤里?
服务员说了:我的手指溃烂,医生对我说保持手指在热里。
客户说了:所以插入手指在屁股!
服务员说:我做到从而当没有客户。

[mirock]

One man came to the toilet and began to do his deal.
Suddenly he heard from nearby cabin:
- Hello.
- Hello. He answered.
- How do you do?
- All right. No problem. And you?
- Ok, let I'll call back to you later. Here someone idiot talks to me.

[mirock]

Inscription on the wall in public toilet:
"Remember, onanism stops growth".
Above, on height of two and half meter written:
"It's not true!"

[mirock]

Scientists asserts, that human's organism grows only to twenty five years.
But stomach and ass, definitely don't know about it.

[mirock]

- What is the loud hubbub outside?
- It's a vagabonds' strike.
- What do they want?
- They protest against development of new technologies.
- Why would they?
- 'Cause it is impossible to live in boxes from new TVsets.

[mirock]

Commander of submarine talks with his colleague.
- Sometimes we in navigation to several monthes and sailors without women masturbates in each corner.  And entire vessel spattered of sperm.
- So, give them jars and promise to give prize for biggest amount.
- Where I'll take money for prize?
- Hand over, I heard it is a valuable stuff.
He did so. Vessel was clean but tank with jellied sperm he couldn't hand over nowhere except candle factory.
Upon next arrival police met him and ask:
- Did you made supply of raw material for candles?
- Yes. What's wrong?
- Unclear situation. Can't understand why all nuns pregnant...