Smile :)

[English]

Judge: Does the defendant realize that he was driving down a one-way street?
Defendant: I was driving only one way, your honor!
Judge: Didn't you see the arrows?
Defendant: Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians!

[Gibsonmpgu]

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.
The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door.
"Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation...
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

[mirock]

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.
The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door.
"Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation...
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

Gamewords?

[Gibsonmpgu]

Right you are! The last two words. Two meanings each.

[tourist]

Eats, shoots and leaves.

[tourist]

Gibsonmpgu
You forgot coma.

[Gibsonmpgu]

You mean "comma"? Right. I did it deliberately.

[tourist]

Gibsonmpgu
I am sorry, but in that case  I don't understand the joke.

Panda eats shoots and leaves. - Where is there humor?
Another case is if it is written like this Panda eats, shoots and leaves.
In the first case it is understood as Panda eats shoots and Panda eats leaves.
Otherwise it will be Panda eats. Panda shoots. Panda leaves.
Where is my mistake?
Thank you.

[mirock]

It is anything like:

- Why yours tomatoes is yellow?
- Because they are green.

[Gibsonmpgu]

Where is my mistake?

Did I really say you made a mistake? No way! The panda might have been absolutely illiterate and it didn't really give a shit about commas, full stops and other crap of the kind. But nevertheless it's a good thing you took notice of what I'd done.

[Gibsonmpgu]

It is anything like:

- Why yours tomatoes is yellow?
- Because they are green.

Mine is a little longer:

- What kind of berries are these?
- Black currants.
- But why are they brown?
- 'Cause they're still green.

[mirock]

It is anything like:

- Why yours tomatoes is yellow?
- Because they are green.

Mine is a little longer:

- What kind of berries are these?
- Black currants.
- But why are they brown?
- 'Cause they're still green.

Oga... I didn't know a such version. Now I know).

[Gibsonmpgu]

I didn't know a such version. Now I know.

... such a ...

[mirock]

I didn't know a such version. Now I know.

... such a ...

I'll try to remember this. Thanks.

[Gibsonmpgu]

Be my guest.

[mirock]

[Olea]

The British Ambassador walked briskly into the foyer of a Washington hotel, and stopped for a moment to speak with one of the bright-buttoned servitors in the lobby. After he walked on, an assistant manager who had noted the incident, went over to the boy and said, "What did the Ambassador want?"
"I don't know," answered the bell-hop. "He couldn't speak English."
****
The following conversation took place between a visiting American and an Eton schoolmaster.
"Do you allow your boys to smoke?" the American asked.
"I'm afraid not," was the reply.
"Can they drink?"
"Good gracious no."
"What about dates?"
"Oh, that's quite all right," said the master, "as long as they don't eat too many."
****
“When the UN distributed this questionnaire:
‘What is your opinion on how to reduce food shortage to the rest of the world?’
The European replied: ‘What is shortage?’
The African replied: ‘What is food?’
The Chinese replied: ‘What is opinion?’
The American replied: ‘What is the rest of the world?’”
****
What did the traffic lights say to the car?
Don't look now. I'm changing!
****
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no-body to go with!
****
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

[English]

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky.
The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
 

[Olea]

On his first day at Harvard, a young freshman from Georgia was exploring the campus and, in his southern drawl, asked an older student:
 “Can you please tell me where the library is at?”
 
The student looked down his nose and and said, in his New England accent, “At Harvard, we don’t end our sentences in a proposition.”
 
The freshman replied. “Pardon me. Can you please tell me where the library is at, jackass?”

[Olea]

A boy answers the phone. The caller asks, "Where are your parents?"
"They ain't here!"
"Come on, son. Where's your grammar?"
"My gramma ain't here neither. She's gone to church!"
***
Teacher: Can someone give me a sentence starting with "I"?
Student: I is--
Teacher: No. Always say, "I am."
Student: All right, if you say so. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
***
"I speak four languages," proudly boasted the door man of a hotel in Rome to an American guest. "Yes, four - Italian, French, English, and American."
"But English and American are the same," protested the guest.
"Not at all," replied the man. "If an Englishman should come up now, I should talk like this: 'Oh, I say, what extraordinarily shocking weather we're having! I dare say there'll be a bit of it ahead.' But when you came up I was just getting ready to say: 'For the love o' Mike! Some day, ain't it? Guess this is the second flood, all right.' "