Сочинение - взгляните со стороны

[Anastasia13]

Выполняю задания ЕГЭ, готовлюсь. Вот одно из предложенных - сочинение. Не могли бы вы оценить мое сочинение, т к пока писала уже не могу на него смотреть и замечать недостатки. Заранее спасибо

The XXI-st century is the time of high development of technology. Fast trains and airplanes, clever computers and Internet – it all is only the little part of transforming people’s activity. But now I’d like to pay your attention to some important inventions of human being: newspaper and television as the ways of getting information.
Newspaper is the oldest source of information, which has been existing since the XV century. It is very ease of handling, thus in today’s world of striking changes it’s still used widely. You can know all news both at home and out of doors. However, in spite of its popularity newspapers let their position to television. It has a stronger influence on people, because you can watch and listen it. I think it is very interesting and sometimes much more comfortable than using newspapers.  . You can watch films, when you have dinner or doing something else, listen music and learn the world around. Thus TV can be used not only for getting information, but also can used as entertainment.
What about me I believe that television is better that newspaper as mass media. But I also like to read them, because It is one of my habits. To sum up I can say that such newspapers have advantages and disadvantages as television has them.

[Anastasia13]

Тема сочинения - газета и телевидение как источники информации. Их преимущества  и недостатки

[Scratch]

to pay attention и to draw smb's attention - посмотри по словарю разницу

[Scratch]

Посмотрел очень бегло. Поработала хорошо. Много мелких недочётов. Но исправь сначала то, что явно бросается в глаза:
to exist в Continuous не употребляется
ease of handling - слишком мудрёно
widely used
не can know, а can learn
в словаре посмотри разницу между comfortable и convenient
не learn, а discover the world around
лучше не for getting, а to get information
can used - разве такое сочетание возможно?
Замени What about me ... на As for me ... / и на этой же строке внимательно посмотри, нет ли опечатки
не совсем понятно, что значит as television has them/

[Erica Blair]

Только  наспех исправлю грубые ошибки.

The XXI-st century is the time of high development of technology.

Fast trains and airplanes, clever computers and the Internet – it  is all only the a little part of transforming people’s activity.
Непонятна мысль.
 But now I’d like to pay draw your attention to some important inventions of (human being ??) man: the newspaper and television as the ways of getting information.

the Newspaper is the oldest source of information, which has been existing existed since the XV century.
It is very ease easy of handling to handle, thus in today’s world of striking changes it’s still used widely.

You can know   learn all news both either at home and or out of doors.
However, in spite of its popularity the newspaper (let their position??) gives way  to  television.

It has a stronger influence on people, because you can watch and listen to it. I think it is very interesting and sometimes much more comfortable than using newspapers.  .
You can watch films, while having dinner or doing something else; listen to music and learn about the world around.
Thus TV can be used not only for getting information, but also as entertainment.
What about As for me I believe that television is better that   than newspapers as a mass media medium.
But I also like to read them, because It is one of my habits.
To sum up I can say that both newspapers and television have their advantages and disadvantages.

[Erica Blair]

Ой, не заметила, что уже давно ответили. 

[savageanomaly]

You can know all news both at home and out of doors.

What does that mean??

[Erica Blair]

You can know all news both at home and out of doors.

What does that mean??

I think she means узнать все новости - to become aware of news by reading a newspaper.
Confusing know and learn is  typical for speakers of Russian.

[savageanomaly]

You can know all news both at home and out of doors.

What does that mean??

I think she means узнать все новости - to become aware of news by reading a newspaper.
Confusing know and learn is  typical for speakers of Russian.

No. What does "both at home and out of doors" mean? It reads like "I can learn the news both in my house and outside on the street". Or maybe "both in my house and in the countryside". It's absurd.

Anastasia, do you want to say "We can learn the news both from at home and from abroad"?

[USAman]

>> The XXI-st century is the time of high development of technology.
The XXI-st century is the time of advanced technology.

>> Fast trains and airplanes, clever computers and Internet – it all is only the little part of transforming people’s activity.
... increased popularity of computers and Internet ...
only the little part --> only a little part

>> But now I’d like to pay your attention to some important inventions of human being: newspaper and television as the ways of getting information.
But now I want you to pay attention...
But now I want to tell you about some...
...some inventions important for people: a newspaper and ...

>> Newspaper is the oldest source of information, which has been existing since the XV century.
A newspaper is the oldest source of information existing since the XV century.

>> It is very ease of handling, thus in today’s world of striking changes it’s still used widely.

>>You can know all news both at home and out of doors.
You can learn all news.
You can get known about all news.
...about news from everywhere.

>> However, in spite of its popularity newspapers let their position to television.
... let their position ... --> give up
>> It has a stronger influence on people, because you can watch and listen it.
a stronger influence --> stronger influence (uncountable)
you can --> they can (they - people)

>> I think it is very interesting and sometimes much more comfortable than using newspapers.
very interesting --> more interesting
...sometimes much more... sometimes? really?
If you can choose between television and newspaper - television is more convenient and interesting than newspaper.

>> You can watch films, when you have dinner or doing something else, listen music and learn the world around.
films = rolls of plastic to shoot for camera.
You can watch TV while doing something else: having dinner, listening to music and learning the world around.

>> Thus TV can be used not only for getting information, but also can used as entertainment.
but also --> but it also
also can used --> can be used

>> What about me I believe that television is better that newspaper as mass media.
What about me --> As for me
I believe that in mass media world television is better that a newspaper.

>> But I also like to read them, because It is one of my habits.
them - what is "them" - it's unclear
But I enjoy reading newspaper

>> To sum up I can say that such newspapers have advantages and disadvantages as television has them.
As the bottom line I can tell that both a newspaper and television has their own advantages and disadvantages.

[savageanomaly]

USAman your "helpful" corrections are full of mistakes.

[Boyar]

"We can learn the news both from at home and from abroad"

Not sure that 'from at home' is a good model for Anastasia to follow if her work is supposed to be presented to the examination board. Would 'local news' or 'national news' be more appropriate to use instead ?

[savageanomaly]

"We can learn the news both from at home and from abroad"

Not sure that 'from at home' is a good model for Anastasia to follow if her work is supposed to be presented to the examination board. Would 'local news' or 'national news' be more appropriate to use instead ?

Oops! Well spotted! There should be no "at" there: "news both from home and from abroad".

If the issue is with using 'home', you can say something like "one can learn local, national, and international news".


PS I'm curious, why would the examination board take issue with 'home'? Thanks.

[Boyar]

why would the examination board take issue with 'home'? Thanks.

Not with 'home', but with the typo that is cleared up now.
As for the phrases, I think both are good for the board in terms of clarity and style.

[Anastasia13]

to exist в Continuous не употребляется.

Мне тоже не понравилось слово "exist" в прогрессиве, но я не знаю, чем его заменить. Что можно употребить вместо него?

[Anastasia13]

You can know all news both at home and out of doors.

What does that mean??

Anastasia, do you want to say "We can learn the news both from at home and from abroad"?

I'd like to say "дома и на улице"

[Anastasia13]

Спасибо за ответы. Я сама еще только учусь, поэтому сею множество ошибок. Частично переправила, как получилось. Вот результат:

The XXI-st century is the time of high development of technology. Fast trains and airplanes, clever computers and the Internet – it all is only a little part of transforming people’s activity. But now I’d like to draw your attention to the important inventions of human being: newspaper and television as the ways of getting information.
Newspaper is the oldest source of knowledge about happening events.  It has existed since the XV century and it’s still used widely. There is the reason for it – newspaper is very easy to handle. You can read it wherever you are. In today’s world of striking changes it is very practical.
As for me I like to read newspapers. However I would prefer television to them better, because I can watch and listen it. Also I can use it not only to get information, but also as entertainment. I think it is a big advantage. I watch films, listen music and learn the world around. And above all I have the opportunity to see different things in the live broadcast. It’s amazing.
Thus, to sum up, I choose television as the best source of information, because its universality and functionality.

[savageanomaly]

I'll let others comment on other mistakes but I have to point this one out as it's a common mistake Russian speakers make.

"I would prefer television ... because I can watch and listen it"
"I watch films, listen music..."

You need the preposition to in there: I listen to music, I listen to someone speak

But, I hear music, I hear someone speak.

I suggest reviewing the difference between "listen" and "hear".

[Erica Blair]

You need the preposition to in there: I listen to music, I listen to someone speak

  I did correct that: Ответ #4 : 12 Сентября 2011, 21:00
 Anastasia13,
А почему Вы игнорировали мои исправления ? 

[Scratch]

Мои тоже.